Submitted by Maria, San Diego  CA

My son came home from preschool one day saying that his friends didn't want to play with him anymore. When I've been at his school, I've noticed the children playing in groups, almost like cliques. Does this type of social interaction, and exclusion, really begin this early?

Answered by Jacque Grillo , Director, Lone Mountain Children's Center

After the “best friend” phase, most preschoolers progress into a phase of group social interaction.  No longer are they limited to one-on-one exclusive relationships, but instead they will often play in small groups of three or more.  If you thought the one-on-one experience was challenging and provocative, now things get really dicey!  All the complex dynamics that occur between a twosome are now experienced in multiplicity.  Alliances form and shift, sometimes you’re in, sometimes you’re out.  Feelings are often hurt, and the competition can be intense.  Now the questions of dominance, leadership, mediating disagreements and sharing become that much more complex, and of course, the opportunities for learning about oneself and forming a positive social identity also increase.  By four and a half or five, most children prefer to play in groups of three or more to playing with just one other child.  These groups, which are often gender-specific, can sometimes seem like little power clusters as they roam (and occasionally intimidate!) the classroom or play yard.  

Sometimes these complaints are just your child’s way of saying this growing up stuff is hard work, and she missed that you weren’t right there that day at her side to help her navigate what is often the rough and tumble, but highly meaningful and formative, world of early childhood friendships.